Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
