please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
