Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
