I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
