I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize