I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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