i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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