..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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