he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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