he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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