There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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