I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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