Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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