My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
