tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
