can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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