Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
