Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
