the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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