her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
