She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
