they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
