I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
