Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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