Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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