i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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