he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
