My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
