we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
