Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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