Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
