um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
