I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize