i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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