I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
