i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
