I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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