Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
