I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
