I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think my vagina is haunted
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
