that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
