having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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