I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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