there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
