i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
