Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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