I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
