Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
