I wish I could teleport
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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