my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
