YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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