There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
