I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
