Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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