You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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