All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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