He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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