I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As shirtless as possible
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
