So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
